My mother used to accuse me of being Irish. I was adopted, so Irish sounded as good as anything for her little white girl, right? Besides, it didn’t really matter. What she was really accusing me of was a bad temper.
I did indeed have a wicked temper as a child. Easily frustrated and a little high strung, it didn’t take much to have me pounding fists into my Strawberry Shortcake comforter.
A temper–or anger in any of its forms–used to be frowned upon socially. Now, it seems to be encouraged. That’s a problem in lots of places, from living rooms to city council meetings to social media to Congress. As one columnist so aptly stated, “American voters are mad – at pretty much everything.”
We who call ourselves followers of Jesus could probably try a little harder to do something about it.
Ephesians 4:31 is an encyclopedia of anger in one verse:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
It’s quite a list, nuanced and detailed. It’s also convicting. Most of us–dare I say all of us?--have felt these feels.
Anger takes a lot of forms, and none of them are good for our souls or the world, so let’s dig deeper. (Here’s the link to my study site, so you can see for yourself.)
Bitterness is bitter hatred. It’s related to the words meaning bitter and sharp. It’s the well-aged hatred we feel towards our worst enemy. Or the person who really hurt someone we love.
Wrath (or rage) is my old friend temper. It’s heated, but only for a short time. This is us taking “it” out on someone or ourselves in the moment.
Anger is agitation. It stems from a word meaning to stretch to grasp something. It’s frustration that makes us ball up our hands, stomp our feet, or drop a selected cuss word.
Brawling describes a bigger, almost mob mentality. It’s when we’re with a group of folks all riled up and riling each other up about something. It may even spill into violence. Picture a riot.
Slander is politely defined as “ injurious speech.” Impolitely, it’s trash-talking someone behind their back. Or in front of their face. Or on Snapchat. Or on Facebook. The list goes on. Yep.
Malice is the heavy one. Malice is any of these forms of anger taken to the point that we genuinely want to hurt someone.
It’s a grocery list of responses to unfairness, injustice, inconvenience, annoyance, and frustration. Moments of anger may come and go. That’s human. But, if we give the anger freedom, if we give it license to direct our thoughts and actions, we’ve crossed the line.
More to the point, the anger that Ephesians 4:31 describes is a choice. It’s a habit.
My temper has softened a lot over the years. A lot. Adequate sleep has helped. Age, acceptance, and a whole lot of prayer has made a difference. But I’d be kidding myself if I told you it still wasn’t there. My temper doesn’t come out in tantrums anymore. My temper comes out in snark.
Merriam Webster defines snark as “a sharp, sarcastic, and cutting style of communication that blends humor with cynicism, mockery, or irreverence.” Snark is just low-level slander with a laugh and a smile.
I know when I get snarky. It’s when I’m annoyed, tired, or stressed about something that has nothing to do with the people I’m with or the situation I’m addressing.
So, I have a choice: Give grace. Get rest. See that the people I’m with are doing the best they can, even if it doesn’t measure up to my definition of what’s best. See the good in people instead of their faults. Repeat.
There are volumes more I could say here, but this newsletter is already a day late going out so I’ll stop here with a prayer adapted from the book Every Moment Holy. It’s a good one.
Give me grace, O God, that I might extend to others a generous grace, not allowing my own pain or worry to flare out at those I casually encounter. Give me grace to see in others the good desires that drive them and forgive them the ill intent that I perceive. Give me grace to remember that those who frustrate me cannot know what I am going through, anymore than I know the burdens of their own that they are carrying…I pray all in the name of Jesus my Lord, who forgave me so much.
Amen.